Living With Past Abuse

 Most people look at me and think "She looks so happy with her life, there must be nothing wrong with her." Looks can be very deceiving! I tend to not think like that with other people I feel like no matter who you are, you have probably gone through something in your life that has caused you some kind of pain. Don't get me wrong it is different for each person and I am in no way saying that everyone's experience is similar to mine. My thought about making this post is to hopefully to help someone who is reading this to know they are not alone!

When I was about 6 & 7 years old I was physically and sexually abused by my stepfather. Before him and my mom got married he was a completely different person I completely trusted him and thought he was the right person for my mom, so when she asked me what I thought about him I told her I liked him and she felt the same. So when he asked her to marry him as you could imagine I was over the moon and happy that I was finally going to get that perfect family that I had before my parents got divorced. Things went great after they eloped and got married, we all moved in together and soon my mom became pregnant with my baby sister. I was so excited to be a big sister, I have always wanted a brother or sister growing up as an only child can be pretty boring! 

After my mom gave birth to my sister things changed with my stepdad, when I slipped up and called him dad he slapped me in the face and said "you have a dad and it sure as hell isn't me". Before this I have never called him dad for some reason I felt like he was my dad in a way so I felt comfortable calling him that. Of course as a 6 year old I didn't understand why he would say that or even slap me, but I also didn't say anything to anyone as I felt no one would believe a 6 year old. As the year went on he would do small things like smack me on the butt for not doing anything, my mom witnessed most of it and I suppose why she didn't do anything is because he was also hitting her and she was scared. 

When I turned 7 years old that's when things got really bad and I'm not going to lie there was times when I just wanted to die. It started with punching me mostly in the eye but also in my stomach and sides. He would basically tell me I asked to be hit because I didn't do what he wanted me to do. One night I wasn't hungry so I asked to be excused and he said "No, you are going to sit there and watch the rest of us eat". So I did and when he was done he said "Now you can go" but then he picked me up by my throat and slammed me against the wall. He then told me "If you ever try to not eat a meal your mom works so hard to make for us I will do more than this." Safe to say I never refused to eat anything again even if I wasn't hungry. He would force me to eat strawberries because I told him I didn't like them. He would also force me to eat pepper (the seasoning) and Cajun seasoning. Then the sexual abuse started, it is still hard for me to talk about that but let's just say he forced me to do oral things to him.

My mom didn't know about the sexual abuse hell no one did until later in my life sexual abuse isn't something you can just talk freely about it takes a lot of strength to even talk about it so I think anyone who can freely talk about their experience is stronger than me. The only people I have freely opened up and talked about my sexual abuse with is my fiancé and my dad. 

Then something very serious happened that pushed me to the point where I asked god to kill me so I didn't have to live this life anymore. I started to struggle in school because of my abuse my stepdad got pissed and he first threw me into the corner of the counter then pushed me down the stairs. I remember laying there crying and hoping that I would die right there, but myself crying only pissed him off more so he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me into the laundry room. there he put me in the typical corner where he would usually put me to give him oral. I remember saying "No please stop I don't want to" He told me "Don't worry you don't deserve to do that right now" and he grabbed a hammer and started to hit me on the head with it. I'm not really sure how long this went on for at some point I was numb and didn't feel anything but the blood coming down my head and finally stopped. He told me to clean up and go to bed and I ran upstairs in my room and cried while I prayed to god that I would be dead tomorrow. I didn't want to live one more day feeling like this. 

The next morning I woke up for school I was sore and really didn't want to go but I knew that I would get another beating if I didn't so I did. My mom would always tell me to tell teachers that I accidentally fell down the stairs or ran into the counter. My teachers never cared much to investigate so my excuses would always work. Then a miracle happened, I was called down to the office and they said my dad was picking me up for the day. I kept my head down because I didn't want my dad to see me like I was. I know you are probably thinking why didn't your dad already know? Well my step dad would always hit me after I visit with my dad so my dad would never see the bruises. My dad said "Grandpa had a stroke so we are going to go see him." I said ok, and my dad said "are you going to look at me?" I looked up at him already crying and he gasped and said "change of plans we are going to the police." My dad always suspected something was going on but never had proof so he could never do anything. When we got to the police station the officers asked me who did this to me and I at first wouldn't tell them when they asked why I said "because he will kill me" they assured me I would be leaving with my dad and I was safe so I told them everything! 

My dad then took me to my aunt's and she took pictures of me with my swollen head and body and bruises all over. Once my dad went through the whole court process they granted my dad sole custody. I was so happy and I thank god everyday for saving me from that place. But the only bad thing was my stepdad wasn't charged because my dad didn't want me to tell the court what happened. My dad thought he was protecting me so my stepdad got away with it but he was ordered to never come around me again. My mom's family made sure that never happened and looked at my dad very differently after this whole thing. They thanked my dad for saving me and standing up for me.

To this day I don't easily trust anyone, I have learned there are always 2 sides to everyone and just because you see a nice side to someone doesn't mean they don't have a dark side as well. But the one thing I can say is scars do heal. I will never forget about everything that happened to me in fact it has taken me almost an hour and a half to write this because it's even hard to write all this that happened to me. To this day I have not spoken to a therapist or professional about all that has happened to me and I do believe it would help me but I feel I am not fully ready to make that first step. If you are still reading this thank you for reading my story. I know it's a very long story but I am hoping that others will read this and realize they are not alone and if you ever want to talk about your experience email me at mpleimann21@gmail.com and I will gladly talk to you about your experience and maybe we could both help each other heal in a way. Thank you and stay strong!